you're not alone

So this is the first time I've ever really put down in words how I was feeling after I had noah. It seems to be a taboo subject for some and to others it's only an excuse. A few months after noah my mum noticed my moods and how it was acting around people. I found it hard to find the strength to get up out of bed and socialise. I couldn't sleep properly. There were times when I would rather be dead then face the world. I thought I was being judged by everyone and that everyone thought I was a bad mum. I knew that I loved my son but I was so overwhelmed. So many women go through this everyday and don't feel like they can get help. I didn't just suffer with postnatal depression, I suffered with anxiety. Everything scared me. Being on the bus would give me a panic attack. My imagination would trick me into thinking every situation was dangerous for me and noah. I was to afraid to leave the house. Everything that was rational became irrational.

Here's what I learnt. There's people there to help.  I got help. Although I stopped taking the medication, I could finally open up. I spoke to my mum and my husband and they helped me through. Now I will tell someone if I'm feeling down or if I feel like I'm failing. Even the small things help. Being a mum is hard enough without the added extra of post natal depression.

the many mum duties

So I haven't been able to post in so long. I feel horrendous as writing this blog gets anything vent up inside of me out and calms me down, but it's been a waltz of ear infections, eye infections and vomiting in the middleton family. But thankful it's seems to be settling down.
Been back at work for 4 weeks now and I'm so happy to be back. Although it's shown how hard it is to be a working mum. Seriously, mum, thank you. I have a new found respect for all mum's.
It's also been a hard time with my husband. Twice we've had to decide whether it's best for us on split or not and it really does take its toll. Marriage is not easy and I've learnt recently how to be open about it.
Noah is crawling. So my moment of bliss and silence (quickly having a wee) has gone as now he'll follow me there. He was trying so hard last week but couldn't quite get his legs moving and then, on the one day I was at work all day, he does it, crawls a few centimetres across the living room. I'm kind of gutted that missed it. I spend most of my time with him. Now I'm scared of all the things I'll miss when I'm at work, or even just popped to the shops. How do mum's do it all. Act like it doesn't feel like, after months of just you and baby, that a part of you isn't there now. He's also trying to talk. He says dada mostly and sometimes muma but most of the time it all sounds like nonsense. But still.... I carried him for 9 months, was in labour for 31 hours just for him to say dada first. I won't lie, I'm jealous.
Might have some good news for our all soon, son keep an eye out.